Thank You

Today I feel like the poor birds flying into my windows and injuring themselves. I know they don’t deserve to be confused and hurt but it just keeps happening. I try to “hang in there” and “know this is all happening for a  reason” and I pray but here is what I’m really thinking and feeling.

I feel guilty that I don’t find the time or remember to say thank you as much as I want to.  My misfiring brain is making it hard for me to focus long enough to write 15 thank you notes. Yesterday I only finished one. I would spend all day asking for help and writing thank you notes (and running) if I could. A blog like this used to take 20 minutes. Now it takes forever and I don’t like my writing.

I feel guilty that I blogged about how I was in the hospital last month then did not write an update. The doctor learned some things, not as much as we hoped but it wasn’t a complete loss. My epilepsy continues to change and evolve.

Epilepsy is the reason I don’t feel like myself and it’s the reason I need to run. It is hard to struggle inside but look the same, which I do (just older, see picture). My doctor gave me permission to run as long as I’m not alone. It’s important therapy but I worry about what people think. I understand that it’s hard to understand how I can be fighting a serious condition and still run. I thank God every day that I have the support I need to make it happen.

I feel guilty that the people who help and love me the most are hurt by my epilepsy as much as I am. I have been pretending to be OK since I was diagnosed in 2008 but it hasn’t helped. Medication has always felt worse than seizures. I feel guilty that my family has to struggle with this but I thank God that I have epilepsy and they don’t.

I want to write more but it’s getting harder to do. Thank you for your love, prayers, support and patience.